my workshop

I sat there with my cigarette, just breathing, at least that was all it would seem to someone else’s wondering eye gazing upon me.
I could hear thunder rumbling off in the distance, I could tell it was going to storm soon
Its hard to explain exactly what was going through my mind at that moment…if anything at all
My eyes had long glazed over like a biology student sitting in lecture after a long night of booze and weed
My long hair was bent from the previous night of restless sleep of kicking and screaming, I didn’t feel like straightening it, I didn’t see the point
I reeked with the heavy sent of tobacco as if haven rolled around in the ashes from my lit cigarette
The room itself I was occupying was lit up like an interrogation room, however if you were to look into my eyes, all’s that you would have seen was darkness, as If my very soul had already given up and moved on without me
The backs of my ears down to my neck burned as if in flames, maybe it was anger, maybe it was anxiety
I just sat there, drifting off, hoping I would find something deep inside me to hold on to, something that couldn’t be taken away
With everyone trying to talk to me, trying to “comfort” me, I couldn’t take it anymore so I left
My keys were still laying where I had left them almost three days ago-the night I retreated to my solitude-they had begun collecting dust. I guess they had also began to give up on me.
Slowly I walked, almost gliding it seemed to my car parked on the same side of the driveway where it always was at the end of everyday for the past 5 years
I drove for what seemed like forever into the foggy night. It was the kind of fog you would see on night of the living dead movies where at any moment something unforeseen could take your life
I ended up on highway 5, a small back road that seemed to lead no where except out into the country, the kind of country that made you feel like you had jumped backwards about 30 years
There is an old scenic look-out point about 15 min away from town where who knows what goes on there, but tonight I didn’t really care
I parked the car and walked until I could see the white picket fence that had been aged by years of weather, I knew I was almost there
Finally the heavens agreed with me and opened up, I no longer had my own tears slowly streaming down my face, but I think his tears also. It was like he was walking with me holding my hand, comforting me in a way that no one else in this world could
I was soaked with the rain that seemed to fit how I felt perfectly; cold, dark, and silent.
Finally I came to the tree
The tree that had his flowers nailed to it
The tree that blocked from my view the actual tree that was broken over from about two feet up with bits and pieces of our memories scattered around it as if it had no meaning at all, at least, not the tree that broke them.
My legs collapsed beneath me as I fell slamming my fists in the dirt that was beginning to turn to mud from my tears
Suddenly as if compulsively like I had no control over my actions I sat up, clinched fisted, and screamed in a way that meant “why?”
I screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore, until every tree down that road heard my pain, until I had nearly lost my voice
I kneeled there for a while with my head down like a wilted blossom until I caught my breath. Then with my eyes closed I tilted my head up towards the sky, the rain beating upon my ivory skin…slowly I re-opened them to the darkened clouds
“I love you too.”